It has been quite a while since I've written. Life has been busy;
time has passed. Much has been accomplished, but lots remain to be
addressed.
Currently, I am struggling with guilt due to
the errors I made as a parent. I resent myself for not listening to my
gut and for not using my voice. Intellectually, I can understand with
clarity why I was not able to use my voice. My childhood experiences
left me easy prey; it didn't take much to intimidate me into silence.
And I WAS intimidated. Knowing all of that on an intellectual level is
great, but the intellectual insight does nothing for the emotional
feelings of guilt. I find myself thinking back to specific instances
where my kids NEEDED me to use my voice on their behalf, and I did not. I
couldn't. In fact, as I recall, I felt like one of the kids back then.
But it's those specific moments that are stored in my memory that cause
me so much emotional pain: leaving Stone at the hospital when I should
have stayed with him; the car accident where i got out of the car to
tend to the wounded dog that was struck while never even looking back to
notice that my youngest daughter had a bloody nose or to check to see
that the other kids were not injured. Why didn't I tend to THEM first
and foremost?? Intellectually, I know why: I was emotionally
disconnected from them. I was not functioning as a mother. And THAT's
where my pain and guilt are embedded. I failed. I was not emotionally
there for them. I want so badly to go back and BE THERE for them. They
deserved it.
So the issue I am faced with is
self-forgiveness. Truth is, I have forgiven anyone and everyone who has
harmed me. I hold very few grudges. But I cannot seem to forgive myself.
What does that mean? I think it means that I expect more from myself
than I do from anyone else. I hold myself to a much higher standard, it
seems. A super-human standard. Perhaps, an impossible standard. So my
goal for this year - my New Year's Resolution actually - is to
accomplish self-forgiveness. I've just begun meeting weekly with a
counselor to help me with this goal. Additionally, I plan to spend
several days in seclusion so that I can compose a letter of apology -
one for each of my children (even one for Christina). Of course, I
cannot demand that my kids forgive me; I get that. But, once those
letters are delivered, I must forgive myself. I must find the emotional
strength to close the door on that part of my past and focus only on the
present. And I must act on the lessons I've learned from the mistakes I
made, which I'm doing more and more already. I cannot completely love
myself when I continue to hate the part of me that existed when I was
younger.
I need to remind myself regularly that I have learned how to use my voice.
