Two of my sisters and I have purchased an online course that proposes to "release" us from "family karma" and it is composed of several lessons. The main idea is that families generally confront one (or more) of seven "shadows" that taint their lives and infiltrates the family tree for generations. The seven shadows are abuse, addiction, violence, poverty, illness, abandonment, and betrayal.
Only two lessons into this course, my sisters and I chatted on messenger about what we've concluded thus far about our family shadows, agreeing that, for our family, we are overshadowed by abuse, abandonment, and betrayal and that those shadows have been the root cause of the other shadows present in our family: addiction, violence, poverty, and illness.
Examining the generational patterns, it has become profoundly clear just how insidious family shadows can be, as each generation spontaneously re-enacts the same dramas, not realizing that history is repeating itself until it is too late and the damage is done. Initially, we simply take comfort in the familiarity of our interactions, not recognizing the perpetuation of abuse and despair. If we happen to have moments where we find ourselves unhappy and asking "why, oh why is this happening to me," we even then do not usually recognize the repetition of inherited dysfunction, but rather, the source remains subconsciously submerged.
We (my sisters and I) noted that the traumas we experienced as we lived our childhoods with these various clouds has made each of us particularly fond of Pink Floyd's "The Wall," but I do not believe that my family is unique. Instead, I believe all of the concepts presented so eloquently in The Wall are experienced by most, if not all, human beings, to one degree or another.
I also thought it is important to be sure to conceptualize our family history from both a micro- and macro- perspective because while we experienced our lives as a family, our family was part of the culture in which we lived. For example, as my sisters and I spoke about my maternal grandfather - his behaviors and ideologies that magnified and perpetuated our shadows of betrayal, abandonment, and (emotional) abuse, I could not help but to remind myself that as he embarked upon his role as a husband and father, he had just returned from serving his country during WWII and I'm sure those experiences fueled his self-indulgent inability to remain a loyal husband. His betrayal of his wedding vows had an horrific impact on my grandmother who had already been abandoned during her childhood when her mother died in a tragic car accident. It is no wonder my grandmother was emotionally distraught (possibly suffering from bipolar disorder) and was emotionally unavailable or alternately, emotionally abusive toward her children. I repeated that story when my own husband had a relationship outside of our marriage; I became emotionally unstable and was alternately distant or harsh with my own children.
The lesson asks us to consider where the family shadow begins, but this seems an impossible task; I can go back only so far (to my grandparents, since I know almost nothing of my great-grandparents). I know for sure that the shadows were likely already in place for my maternal grandparents - who likely inherited their dramas from their own parents, who received it from their parents, and so on. While I am certain that the shadows may morph, darken, or recede with each generation, overall, families all must contend, to one degree or another, the clouds that are a seemingly natural part of the family climate.
We are also asked to consider how the family shadow(s) affected different family members and ponder over who was most hurt by it. I see how my maternal uncles were abandoned by their father and in turn, walked away from him as well. I see how my mom continued to walk a fine line between her mother and her father all throughout her life. I see how my grandmother lived a life in a state of post-trauma and continued emotional pain. I see how each of my sisters and I have learned to construct a wall so that we can each live in a very solitary way - and find comfort in our bubble.
I see how my own sense of abandonment and betrayal resulted in anger, violence, and abuse. I see the results of who I became in each of my now-grown children, and in them, I see the shadow morph, strengthen, and weaken, as each of my children confront the shadows in their own way.
My sisters and I will continue to embark upon this exploration of family shadows and family karma in an effort to better understand each other and even ourselves and to learn how to take what we need from this karmic lesson, for certainly there must be a reason we have all converged together, incarnating as a family since I do believe we choose the family we are born into for the lessons we will gain. This is, after all, soul work.
