I spoke to David yesterday about my decision to file for divorce. We are approaching our 34th wedding anniversary. The conversation went as expected, for the most part, David agreed that, all things considered, it is in my best interest to divorce him and marry Jim. We both agreed that the legalities do not change feelings of the heart; we still love each other and always will. But, the way life has unfolded, living together as a married couple is not an option. We did not get along, living together, because we both triggered in each other unresolved childhood issues that resulted in both of us always acting as the hurt, wounded children. I played the victim and David played the victimizer. While we may have matured since then, there are now additional factors to consider. It would be wrong to hurt Leah and Jim; they are both undeserving of the heartache it would cause if we left them. But most importantly, it is vital that I stay here with Damien and Ada. I do that for them and I do that for Christina. It is not so much an obligation as it is a commitment of the heart. It is what I MUST do.
And so, somewhat tearfully, we agreed that although I do not want to divorce him, and he does not want to divorce me, divorce appears to be the most logical option. I need to think of my future since it is statistically likely that I will out-live both David and Jim. By marrying Jim, I will be entitled to Survivor Benefits from him, but having been married for more than 10 years to David, I will be entitled to HIS survivor benefits as well.
We talked, David and I, about the potential our relationship had. We agonized over the mistakes we made, wishing with all of our heart and soul that we could go back in time, knowing what we now know, so that we could make better decisions. We were so young. And so many times, we settled. And we failed to put the kids' needs ahead of our own.
If only I had been back then who I am today. If only. And now, because of the mistakes we made, I must file for divorce. Because it doesn't look like I'm going to get my Master's degree as planned, I must formulate a Survival Plan B. I'm not getting any younger. Truly, my life has fallen apart (perhaps that happened a long, long time ago); and now I must live among the shattered and tattered pieces...the remnants of a life.
What Jim does for me - the extent of his provisions - is more than I've ever had and I don't want to dare minimize what he has done for me and mine. I love him enough to be his wife. But there is no head-over-heels feeling of "I can't live without him." There is no sparkle in my eyes because of him. I love him more as a companion than as a lover. But I DO love him. And he treats me and mine better than I have ever been treated in terms of provisions and in terms of emotional and intellectual respect. He doesn't degrade me. We don't fight or argue. And if I want or need something, I get it. For all of that, I am truly grateful.
I hold two rather large grudges against Jim, but because they go back to when we were first together, I remind myself that he was in a different place. I try to forgive and I will certainly never forget. The first grudge involves the date rape that he orchestrated. I believe I was drugged in addition to being intoxicated. I believe his friend stole my turquoise ring. But even worse, I know I was raped - and Jim orchestrated it and he watched. Christina never forgave him for that. Nor have I. The other grudge involves the car accident; it nearly killed me. Christina never forgave him for that either - and neither have I. But it brought that whole lifestyle to a halt. And it gave me leverage. It put us in a better place, in my opinion, because sitting in bars is no longer an option. It just won't ever happen again.
Anyway, David and I resolved to move ahead with the divorce, knowing that it will not change matters of the heart. I will always love him and he will always love me. And we both agreed that I need to be here for Damien and Ada. And, therefore, this is how it will be. But we agreed that our love will survive, til death do we part.
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