I don't know where to begin, or what to say, other than: I'm processing.
I am processing a loss that triggered a much larger loss, that, when viewed retrospectively, shows an even larger loss. I'll try to explain...
I've been working on a master's degree in clinical mental health counseling since 2011. All of my required coursework was completed in May 2015. I earned A's in all of my classes except one (PsychoPharmacology, I got a B). Since that time (and even prior) I've been trying to secure an internship - a required finish to the program. In essence, I needed 240 direct client contact hours and 360 indirect hours, some of which I've already completed. I was told I would need to audio-record all sessions with clients (with their consent, of course). Then, when I finished my internship, I would do my defense where I would present one of my cases to my professors and would have to defend my choice of treatment strategies against their questioning and scrutiny.
Most of my academic colleagues were fearful of defense; I was not. I felt that I would be able to defend my counseling strategies successfully; I knew I had been trained well and in all honesty, I function best (most professionally) when I am at the front of the class, behind that podium.
Trouble is, I was never able to secure an internship in the time allowed. I sent out countless resumes and had multiple interviews. Some places were even willing to take me on, but in the end, for various reasons, they all fell through. The biggest deterrent for me was finding an internship location that was close enough for me to drive to. Since the car accident in 2008 that damaged my vision, I do not drive highways. Still, there are quite a few counseling agencies and practices in the area, and i sent resumes to them all it seems. Still, nothing worked out.
Most recently, I received a very unexpected call from a private group practice nearby (less than an hour's drive from home). Both the owner of the practice and her daughter had graduated from GSU's counseling program, which i believed would be in my favor. Then I saw the place and felt even more certain that this would be the place for me...that all the other places had failed because the Universe was saving THIS one for me: it was situated in an old, early- 20th century home on the community's main street having all the charm and homey ambiance that I so enjoy. I felt, upon entering the building, that it looked as if I had done their interior decorating!! And then, the interview: it went well (from my perspective); I felt comfortable. I think I was able to be both relaxed and personable as well as professional and to-the-point. Upon completing the interview, I got the impression that there was no question that the position was mine. They never said anything about giving them time to "think it over" or that they'd "get back to me." They instead took the Memorandum of Agreement (the contract to be signed by me, the agency, and the university, that outlines expectations). They and I shared only one concern: would they be able to provide me with the direct client contact hours i needed in the short time i had to complete the internship (240 hours from January to April). They asked me to give my supervising professor their contact info to have him contact them so they could resolve that.
I drove home feeling on top of the world. I felt like it was mine and that it was meant to be. I got to work right away contacting my professor and the program supervisor to inform them that i'd been interviewed and that it looked like I had an internship at the very last moment. They responded quickly, telling me that my supervising professor would be on sabbatical but that there were other professors available to supervise me. And, much to my amazement, the program supervisor approved an extension on my internship, giving me until August to complete! I emailed the update to the agency where I interviewed and felt such a sense of pride knowing that in a matter of weeks i'd be working on my internship and that finally my dreams were becoming reality.
I had worked so hard, these past six years. I gave it my all. I put my heart and soul into it. It shaped me into the professional I was eager to officially become. This wasn't just for me; it was for my kids. I wanted them to be proud of me. And, because I'm not getting any younger, my plan was to buy a house, get a 15-year mortgage, and then have it paid off so that when I die, it would go to them. This way, they would always have a home if they needed a place. Or, if they decided to sell it and split the profit, that would also be an option, once I was gone. Besides, we desperately need to move out of the community where we currently live; finding another place to live was a huge reason why I was looking forward to getting my degree, my license, and an eventual paycheck.
One week prior to the start of the semester, I had been trying to reach the group practice where i'd interviewed; i wanted to be sure we were all on the same page and that there were no loose ends. The winter holidays were over; it was time to put it all into gear. In spite of text messages, voicemail messages and emails, I was not hearing back from them, and i began to get nervous. In fact, I began to suspect there was a problem. And then I got the email stating that they needed to retract their offer because they just didn't think they'd be able to provide me with the clinical, direct client contact hours i would need. BAM! Just like that, it was over.
It's been a week now. One week since my future disappeared right before my eyes. I'm left with nothing. In fact, I do not even know who i am right now. For six years, I have been trained to act like a professional, to dress like a professional, to think like a professional, to BE a professional - and now?? Now I am a nothing, nor will i ever BE anything. I will never be anything more that what i've always been: just a stay-at-home mom with no work history and big plans that never amounted to anything. I've wasted time and money. I've invested so much and lost even more. And there is no Plan B.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Monday, November 20, 2017
Inner Aches and Pains
It has been over six years since my youngest daughter's suicide, and since that time, I have been in a spiritual void. The things I used to believe and the things that used to inspire me have ceased to exist along with my daughter. I was told I am in a Dark Night, but that eventually, the sun would rise again. For the past year or so, I have seen a bit of light on the horizon, but it is a new horizon for me; the landscape is not what it used to be.
In some ways, I feel as though the Spiritual world is calling me, gently nudging me, and attempting to lead me out of this darkness. I've had the urge to go to church, but not for the dogma; instead, I am craving sacred space. I am drawn to the ancient cathedrals: the stained glass, the smell of incense, candles lit, and soft chanting in the background. I want the ritual of church - but not all the Christian beliefs that are attached to it.
These past six years, I have found myself both fearing and resenting mortality. It is too final. The timing of death is never right, it seems. Why can't I live forever? Why do I have to die? And most of all, why can't I know what happens after death?? IS there an afterlife, or do we simply cease to exist?
During these same six years, I have been obsessed with the paranormal, being open to the possibility but at the same time, wrestling with my rational mind's explanations for anything that appears to be supernatural.
All I have are hopes and fears. I hope there is an afterlife. I hope there is a way I can connect with the other side. I hope that consciousness is eternal. I hope that reincarnation is an afterlife possibility. It's the not-knowing however that instigates the fears. I fear that I will die prematurely. I fear that there is nothing after death. I fear that someday I will simple disappear forever. I fear this has all been meaningless.
I struggle with reconciling my life. I seem to have created a legacy of pain, but perhaps it did not start with me; perhaps it is simply a generational echo that filters down from one generation to the next. Either way, I look at what I've done in my life and I feel mostly regrets, shame, and sorrow for the pain I've caused. I caused pain by things I've done, and by the things I should have done, but did not. And now, here I am, living a tragic life story. I'm where I need to be, but I am not where I want to be; cognitive dissonance for sure. The gap between who I am and who I wish I was has widened, especially since Christina's death, and yet, paradoxically, it has narrowed. Since her death, I've become wiser, both intellectually and emotionally. I have become painfully aware of the errors I've made in my younger, more productive years, and have learned from those mistakes; but pay the price of having not learned sooner (and my grown children pay the price as well).
I struggle to reconcile what could have been, what should have been, and what is. I struggle with the huge sense of loss that I feel, on so many levels. It's as if I've lost my entire life. I spent my life running, searching, longing, trying - always trying so hard - and in the end, I still fell short. This is not what I envisioned for myself. This is not where I imagined I'd be right now; and yet, it all fell into place as if I had been destined to be right here, right now.
Ironically, I continue to search, to reach, to seek. I continue to crave the sense of "all is well." I want contentment. That is what it all boils down to: I want to feel content, and I'm not sure that I have ever felt that - or worse, that I ever will. All my dreams and desires have been so elusive; they emerge and appear to be right at my fingertips and just as I'm about to grab hold, it vanishes. So many times. So many could've-been-scenarios: I could've been a midwife. I could've been a nurse. I could've been a teacher. I could've been a counselor. I could've been a writer. Instead, however, I look at what I am: just a fucked up nobody living a life in the hole I dug for myself and up against the images of all the potential outcomes that faded away. So close, and yet so far. And still, I search, carrying the heavy weight of both Hope and Fear, feeling like a failure, but knowing that, somewhere, deep inside of me, there is a woman of extraordinary capability, stunted and restrained by generational blows to the psyche and soul, wounded and nearly extinguished, and yet always yearning to be released. And there resides the tragedy: Exceptionality reduced to insignificance. Potential restrained. Authenticity captured by legacy and fate.
Cognitive distortions or factual insights based on honest self-reflection???
In some ways, I feel as though the Spiritual world is calling me, gently nudging me, and attempting to lead me out of this darkness. I've had the urge to go to church, but not for the dogma; instead, I am craving sacred space. I am drawn to the ancient cathedrals: the stained glass, the smell of incense, candles lit, and soft chanting in the background. I want the ritual of church - but not all the Christian beliefs that are attached to it.
These past six years, I have found myself both fearing and resenting mortality. It is too final. The timing of death is never right, it seems. Why can't I live forever? Why do I have to die? And most of all, why can't I know what happens after death?? IS there an afterlife, or do we simply cease to exist?
During these same six years, I have been obsessed with the paranormal, being open to the possibility but at the same time, wrestling with my rational mind's explanations for anything that appears to be supernatural.
All I have are hopes and fears. I hope there is an afterlife. I hope there is a way I can connect with the other side. I hope that consciousness is eternal. I hope that reincarnation is an afterlife possibility. It's the not-knowing however that instigates the fears. I fear that I will die prematurely. I fear that there is nothing after death. I fear that someday I will simple disappear forever. I fear this has all been meaningless.
I struggle with reconciling my life. I seem to have created a legacy of pain, but perhaps it did not start with me; perhaps it is simply a generational echo that filters down from one generation to the next. Either way, I look at what I've done in my life and I feel mostly regrets, shame, and sorrow for the pain I've caused. I caused pain by things I've done, and by the things I should have done, but did not. And now, here I am, living a tragic life story. I'm where I need to be, but I am not where I want to be; cognitive dissonance for sure. The gap between who I am and who I wish I was has widened, especially since Christina's death, and yet, paradoxically, it has narrowed. Since her death, I've become wiser, both intellectually and emotionally. I have become painfully aware of the errors I've made in my younger, more productive years, and have learned from those mistakes; but pay the price of having not learned sooner (and my grown children pay the price as well).
I struggle to reconcile what could have been, what should have been, and what is. I struggle with the huge sense of loss that I feel, on so many levels. It's as if I've lost my entire life. I spent my life running, searching, longing, trying - always trying so hard - and in the end, I still fell short. This is not what I envisioned for myself. This is not where I imagined I'd be right now; and yet, it all fell into place as if I had been destined to be right here, right now.
Ironically, I continue to search, to reach, to seek. I continue to crave the sense of "all is well." I want contentment. That is what it all boils down to: I want to feel content, and I'm not sure that I have ever felt that - or worse, that I ever will. All my dreams and desires have been so elusive; they emerge and appear to be right at my fingertips and just as I'm about to grab hold, it vanishes. So many times. So many could've-been-scenarios: I could've been a midwife. I could've been a nurse. I could've been a teacher. I could've been a counselor. I could've been a writer. Instead, however, I look at what I am: just a fucked up nobody living a life in the hole I dug for myself and up against the images of all the potential outcomes that faded away. So close, and yet so far. And still, I search, carrying the heavy weight of both Hope and Fear, feeling like a failure, but knowing that, somewhere, deep inside of me, there is a woman of extraordinary capability, stunted and restrained by generational blows to the psyche and soul, wounded and nearly extinguished, and yet always yearning to be released. And there resides the tragedy: Exceptionality reduced to insignificance. Potential restrained. Authenticity captured by legacy and fate.
Cognitive distortions or factual insights based on honest self-reflection???
Friday, August 18, 2017
Family Shadows
Two of my sisters and I have purchased an online course that proposes to "release" us from "family karma" and it is composed of several lessons. The main idea is that families generally confront one (or more) of seven "shadows" that taint their lives and infiltrates the family tree for generations. The seven shadows are abuse, addiction, violence, poverty, illness, abandonment, and betrayal.
Only two lessons into this course, my sisters and I chatted on messenger about what we've concluded thus far about our family shadows, agreeing that, for our family, we are overshadowed by abuse, abandonment, and betrayal and that those shadows have been the root cause of the other shadows present in our family: addiction, violence, poverty, and illness.
Examining the generational patterns, it has become profoundly clear just how insidious family shadows can be, as each generation spontaneously re-enacts the same dramas, not realizing that history is repeating itself until it is too late and the damage is done. Initially, we simply take comfort in the familiarity of our interactions, not recognizing the perpetuation of abuse and despair. If we happen to have moments where we find ourselves unhappy and asking "why, oh why is this happening to me," we even then do not usually recognize the repetition of inherited dysfunction, but rather, the source remains subconsciously submerged.
We (my sisters and I) noted that the traumas we experienced as we lived our childhoods with these various clouds has made each of us particularly fond of Pink Floyd's "The Wall," but I do not believe that my family is unique. Instead, I believe all of the concepts presented so eloquently in The Wall are experienced by most, if not all, human beings, to one degree or another.
I also thought it is important to be sure to conceptualize our family history from both a micro- and macro- perspective because while we experienced our lives as a family, our family was part of the culture in which we lived. For example, as my sisters and I spoke about my maternal grandfather - his behaviors and ideologies that magnified and perpetuated our shadows of betrayal, abandonment, and (emotional) abuse, I could not help but to remind myself that as he embarked upon his role as a husband and father, he had just returned from serving his country during WWII and I'm sure those experiences fueled his self-indulgent inability to remain a loyal husband. His betrayal of his wedding vows had an horrific impact on my grandmother who had already been abandoned during her childhood when her mother died in a tragic car accident. It is no wonder my grandmother was emotionally distraught (possibly suffering from bipolar disorder) and was emotionally unavailable or alternately, emotionally abusive toward her children. I repeated that story when my own husband had a relationship outside of our marriage; I became emotionally unstable and was alternately distant or harsh with my own children.
The lesson asks us to consider where the family shadow begins, but this seems an impossible task; I can go back only so far (to my grandparents, since I know almost nothing of my great-grandparents). I know for sure that the shadows were likely already in place for my maternal grandparents - who likely inherited their dramas from their own parents, who received it from their parents, and so on. While I am certain that the shadows may morph, darken, or recede with each generation, overall, families all must contend, to one degree or another, the clouds that are a seemingly natural part of the family climate.
We are also asked to consider how the family shadow(s) affected different family members and ponder over who was most hurt by it. I see how my maternal uncles were abandoned by their father and in turn, walked away from him as well. I see how my mom continued to walk a fine line between her mother and her father all throughout her life. I see how my grandmother lived a life in a state of post-trauma and continued emotional pain. I see how each of my sisters and I have learned to construct a wall so that we can each live in a very solitary way - and find comfort in our bubble.
I see how my own sense of abandonment and betrayal resulted in anger, violence, and abuse. I see the results of who I became in each of my now-grown children, and in them, I see the shadow morph, strengthen, and weaken, as each of my children confront the shadows in their own way.
My sisters and I will continue to embark upon this exploration of family shadows and family karma in an effort to better understand each other and even ourselves and to learn how to take what we need from this karmic lesson, for certainly there must be a reason we have all converged together, incarnating as a family since I do believe we choose the family we are born into for the lessons we will gain. This is, after all, soul work.
Only two lessons into this course, my sisters and I chatted on messenger about what we've concluded thus far about our family shadows, agreeing that, for our family, we are overshadowed by abuse, abandonment, and betrayal and that those shadows have been the root cause of the other shadows present in our family: addiction, violence, poverty, and illness.
Examining the generational patterns, it has become profoundly clear just how insidious family shadows can be, as each generation spontaneously re-enacts the same dramas, not realizing that history is repeating itself until it is too late and the damage is done. Initially, we simply take comfort in the familiarity of our interactions, not recognizing the perpetuation of abuse and despair. If we happen to have moments where we find ourselves unhappy and asking "why, oh why is this happening to me," we even then do not usually recognize the repetition of inherited dysfunction, but rather, the source remains subconsciously submerged.
We (my sisters and I) noted that the traumas we experienced as we lived our childhoods with these various clouds has made each of us particularly fond of Pink Floyd's "The Wall," but I do not believe that my family is unique. Instead, I believe all of the concepts presented so eloquently in The Wall are experienced by most, if not all, human beings, to one degree or another.
I also thought it is important to be sure to conceptualize our family history from both a micro- and macro- perspective because while we experienced our lives as a family, our family was part of the culture in which we lived. For example, as my sisters and I spoke about my maternal grandfather - his behaviors and ideologies that magnified and perpetuated our shadows of betrayal, abandonment, and (emotional) abuse, I could not help but to remind myself that as he embarked upon his role as a husband and father, he had just returned from serving his country during WWII and I'm sure those experiences fueled his self-indulgent inability to remain a loyal husband. His betrayal of his wedding vows had an horrific impact on my grandmother who had already been abandoned during her childhood when her mother died in a tragic car accident. It is no wonder my grandmother was emotionally distraught (possibly suffering from bipolar disorder) and was emotionally unavailable or alternately, emotionally abusive toward her children. I repeated that story when my own husband had a relationship outside of our marriage; I became emotionally unstable and was alternately distant or harsh with my own children.
The lesson asks us to consider where the family shadow begins, but this seems an impossible task; I can go back only so far (to my grandparents, since I know almost nothing of my great-grandparents). I know for sure that the shadows were likely already in place for my maternal grandparents - who likely inherited their dramas from their own parents, who received it from their parents, and so on. While I am certain that the shadows may morph, darken, or recede with each generation, overall, families all must contend, to one degree or another, the clouds that are a seemingly natural part of the family climate.
We are also asked to consider how the family shadow(s) affected different family members and ponder over who was most hurt by it. I see how my maternal uncles were abandoned by their father and in turn, walked away from him as well. I see how my mom continued to walk a fine line between her mother and her father all throughout her life. I see how my grandmother lived a life in a state of post-trauma and continued emotional pain. I see how each of my sisters and I have learned to construct a wall so that we can each live in a very solitary way - and find comfort in our bubble.
I see how my own sense of abandonment and betrayal resulted in anger, violence, and abuse. I see the results of who I became in each of my now-grown children, and in them, I see the shadow morph, strengthen, and weaken, as each of my children confront the shadows in their own way.
My sisters and I will continue to embark upon this exploration of family shadows and family karma in an effort to better understand each other and even ourselves and to learn how to take what we need from this karmic lesson, for certainly there must be a reason we have all converged together, incarnating as a family since I do believe we choose the family we are born into for the lessons we will gain. This is, after all, soul work.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Pain and Suffering
Earlier this week, there was, in a nearby community, as horribly, tragic car collision. A car was hit - and hit hard - when another vehicle missed a stop sign at a four-way intersection on a rural road. The car he hit contained a young mom (29) and her three sons, ages 7, 4, and 18 months. The mom and the 18-month old son died instantly. The two older boys were taken to the hospital in critical condition. The following day, one of the older boys died; the next day, his brother died as well. This tragedy has left a husband/father to cope with the loss of his entire family, and I can't seem to stop thinking about this incident.
I think it has put grief and suffering into a different perspective for me. I realize grieve is subjective and can't be measured. We can't say, "My grief is greater than yours" because grief is so personal. Yet, to lose one's entire family, especially at that stage of life, must surely rank high if grief could be measured. How will this man process the loss of his wife (who was pregnant), AND the loss of Owen, AND the loss of Weston, AND the loss of Kaleb?? His entire life appears to have been obliterated!
I remember when Christina died. In those first few days following her death, I wondered how the world could still continue to go on, as if nothing happened. I had to go to the store for the usual household stuff: milk, toilet paper, bread. I felt like I was in a fog (and I was); I was at the store wondering how everything around me could just continue forward. I wanted the world to stop, even if just for a moment, to acknowledge that my daughter had died; but it did not. Life moved forward.
Today it was me who was part of the moving-forward-world, in spite of this man's tragic loss. Today it was me who continued with my life as if nothing tragic had happened; but then I would remember and it would bring me to a halt, even if just for a moment: a family died.
It seems pain and suffering is just part of the human condition. Nothing new about that; books have been written, songs have been composed, stories have been told - all about human suffering. Turn on the news and we see that it happens daily, everywhere, since the beginning of time. The only time we really, REALLY notice it is when it hits us directly or when it hits us near-by; otherwise, it is easier to simply dismiss it, minimize it as a fact or statistic, and silently shudder with relief that, at least this time, it wasn't us who was hit by tragedy.
And yes, along with my empathy and sympathy for this man and for his entire family, I also shuddered with relief knowing that in this moment, all of my loved ones are safe and sound.
I think it has put grief and suffering into a different perspective for me. I realize grieve is subjective and can't be measured. We can't say, "My grief is greater than yours" because grief is so personal. Yet, to lose one's entire family, especially at that stage of life, must surely rank high if grief could be measured. How will this man process the loss of his wife (who was pregnant), AND the loss of Owen, AND the loss of Weston, AND the loss of Kaleb?? His entire life appears to have been obliterated!
I remember when Christina died. In those first few days following her death, I wondered how the world could still continue to go on, as if nothing happened. I had to go to the store for the usual household stuff: milk, toilet paper, bread. I felt like I was in a fog (and I was); I was at the store wondering how everything around me could just continue forward. I wanted the world to stop, even if just for a moment, to acknowledge that my daughter had died; but it did not. Life moved forward.
Today it was me who was part of the moving-forward-world, in spite of this man's tragic loss. Today it was me who continued with my life as if nothing tragic had happened; but then I would remember and it would bring me to a halt, even if just for a moment: a family died.
It seems pain and suffering is just part of the human condition. Nothing new about that; books have been written, songs have been composed, stories have been told - all about human suffering. Turn on the news and we see that it happens daily, everywhere, since the beginning of time. The only time we really, REALLY notice it is when it hits us directly or when it hits us near-by; otherwise, it is easier to simply dismiss it, minimize it as a fact or statistic, and silently shudder with relief that, at least this time, it wasn't us who was hit by tragedy.
And yes, along with my empathy and sympathy for this man and for his entire family, I also shuddered with relief knowing that in this moment, all of my loved ones are safe and sound.
Life is not fair.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
A Mother's Pain...and Frustration
I know it is my fault. And his father's fault as well. I get that. I've accepted that and asked for forgiveness, but also know I will carry the guilt and pain for as long as I live. Still, days like today are difficult for me. I find myself thinking, "he's doing so well lately" and "it seems like he's conquered a lot of his mental health issues" and then, almost without warning, I do or say something that sets him off and he turns on me. And it hurts.
I try to set boundaries, but I guess I've never been good at that. I try to remind myself that he loves me, that son of mine; but there are times like tonight when it feels like he does not.
Parenting truly is the most difficult job ever. It is difficult because it is so routine; most of us are parents. Biologically, we are driven to reproduce. Yet, most of us are not qualified to take on the job of raising another human being. As a species, we know so much about what makes a quality parent, but we apply so little of that cumulative knowledge. In fact, we don't even ensure that what we know about good parenting is disseminated among all of us - especially those of us who need it the most. If I were younger, knowing what I know now, not only would I parent differently, but I would spend my life promoting healthy parenting. It would be my Life Mission. But now? Now it's just too late for me to do much of anything. Somehow, I've missed the damn boat.
So tonight, I am both hurt and frustrated. I wish it could be different. I carry so much fucking regret that it weighs me down. I can't undo the past. "It's done," "it is finished," and "it is what it is" - and all that crap. Yeah. Motherhood. It has evolved into endless pain and frustration so much of the time.
I try to set boundaries, but I guess I've never been good at that. I try to remind myself that he loves me, that son of mine; but there are times like tonight when it feels like he does not.
Parenting truly is the most difficult job ever. It is difficult because it is so routine; most of us are parents. Biologically, we are driven to reproduce. Yet, most of us are not qualified to take on the job of raising another human being. As a species, we know so much about what makes a quality parent, but we apply so little of that cumulative knowledge. In fact, we don't even ensure that what we know about good parenting is disseminated among all of us - especially those of us who need it the most. If I were younger, knowing what I know now, not only would I parent differently, but I would spend my life promoting healthy parenting. It would be my Life Mission. But now? Now it's just too late for me to do much of anything. Somehow, I've missed the damn boat.
So tonight, I am both hurt and frustrated. I wish it could be different. I carry so much fucking regret that it weighs me down. I can't undo the past. "It's done," "it is finished," and "it is what it is" - and all that crap. Yeah. Motherhood. It has evolved into endless pain and frustration so much of the time.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
'Til Death Do Us Part
I spoke to David yesterday about my decision to file for divorce. We are approaching our 34th wedding anniversary. The conversation went as expected, for the most part, David agreed that, all things considered, it is in my best interest to divorce him and marry Jim. We both agreed that the legalities do not change feelings of the heart; we still love each other and always will. But, the way life has unfolded, living together as a married couple is not an option. We did not get along, living together, because we both triggered in each other unresolved childhood issues that resulted in both of us always acting as the hurt, wounded children. I played the victim and David played the victimizer. While we may have matured since then, there are now additional factors to consider. It would be wrong to hurt Leah and Jim; they are both undeserving of the heartache it would cause if we left them. But most importantly, it is vital that I stay here with Damien and Ada. I do that for them and I do that for Christina. It is not so much an obligation as it is a commitment of the heart. It is what I MUST do.
And so, somewhat tearfully, we agreed that although I do not want to divorce him, and he does not want to divorce me, divorce appears to be the most logical option. I need to think of my future since it is statistically likely that I will out-live both David and Jim. By marrying Jim, I will be entitled to Survivor Benefits from him, but having been married for more than 10 years to David, I will be entitled to HIS survivor benefits as well.
We talked, David and I, about the potential our relationship had. We agonized over the mistakes we made, wishing with all of our heart and soul that we could go back in time, knowing what we now know, so that we could make better decisions. We were so young. And so many times, we settled. And we failed to put the kids' needs ahead of our own.
If only I had been back then who I am today. If only. And now, because of the mistakes we made, I must file for divorce. Because it doesn't look like I'm going to get my Master's degree as planned, I must formulate a Survival Plan B. I'm not getting any younger. Truly, my life has fallen apart (perhaps that happened a long, long time ago); and now I must live among the shattered and tattered pieces...the remnants of a life.
What Jim does for me - the extent of his provisions - is more than I've ever had and I don't want to dare minimize what he has done for me and mine. I love him enough to be his wife. But there is no head-over-heels feeling of "I can't live without him." There is no sparkle in my eyes because of him. I love him more as a companion than as a lover. But I DO love him. And he treats me and mine better than I have ever been treated in terms of provisions and in terms of emotional and intellectual respect. He doesn't degrade me. We don't fight or argue. And if I want or need something, I get it. For all of that, I am truly grateful.
I hold two rather large grudges against Jim, but because they go back to when we were first together, I remind myself that he was in a different place. I try to forgive and I will certainly never forget. The first grudge involves the date rape that he orchestrated. I believe I was drugged in addition to being intoxicated. I believe his friend stole my turquoise ring. But even worse, I know I was raped - and Jim orchestrated it and he watched. Christina never forgave him for that. Nor have I. The other grudge involves the car accident; it nearly killed me. Christina never forgave him for that either - and neither have I. But it brought that whole lifestyle to a halt. And it gave me leverage. It put us in a better place, in my opinion, because sitting in bars is no longer an option. It just won't ever happen again.
Anyway, David and I resolved to move ahead with the divorce, knowing that it will not change matters of the heart. I will always love him and he will always love me. And we both agreed that I need to be here for Damien and Ada. And, therefore, this is how it will be. But we agreed that our love will survive, til death do we part.
And so, somewhat tearfully, we agreed that although I do not want to divorce him, and he does not want to divorce me, divorce appears to be the most logical option. I need to think of my future since it is statistically likely that I will out-live both David and Jim. By marrying Jim, I will be entitled to Survivor Benefits from him, but having been married for more than 10 years to David, I will be entitled to HIS survivor benefits as well.
We talked, David and I, about the potential our relationship had. We agonized over the mistakes we made, wishing with all of our heart and soul that we could go back in time, knowing what we now know, so that we could make better decisions. We were so young. And so many times, we settled. And we failed to put the kids' needs ahead of our own.
If only I had been back then who I am today. If only. And now, because of the mistakes we made, I must file for divorce. Because it doesn't look like I'm going to get my Master's degree as planned, I must formulate a Survival Plan B. I'm not getting any younger. Truly, my life has fallen apart (perhaps that happened a long, long time ago); and now I must live among the shattered and tattered pieces...the remnants of a life.
What Jim does for me - the extent of his provisions - is more than I've ever had and I don't want to dare minimize what he has done for me and mine. I love him enough to be his wife. But there is no head-over-heels feeling of "I can't live without him." There is no sparkle in my eyes because of him. I love him more as a companion than as a lover. But I DO love him. And he treats me and mine better than I have ever been treated in terms of provisions and in terms of emotional and intellectual respect. He doesn't degrade me. We don't fight or argue. And if I want or need something, I get it. For all of that, I am truly grateful.
I hold two rather large grudges against Jim, but because they go back to when we were first together, I remind myself that he was in a different place. I try to forgive and I will certainly never forget. The first grudge involves the date rape that he orchestrated. I believe I was drugged in addition to being intoxicated. I believe his friend stole my turquoise ring. But even worse, I know I was raped - and Jim orchestrated it and he watched. Christina never forgave him for that. Nor have I. The other grudge involves the car accident; it nearly killed me. Christina never forgave him for that either - and neither have I. But it brought that whole lifestyle to a halt. And it gave me leverage. It put us in a better place, in my opinion, because sitting in bars is no longer an option. It just won't ever happen again.
Anyway, David and I resolved to move ahead with the divorce, knowing that it will not change matters of the heart. I will always love him and he will always love me. And we both agreed that I need to be here for Damien and Ada. And, therefore, this is how it will be. But we agreed that our love will survive, til death do we part.
Monday, April 24, 2017
I Do, Again
It's been eleven years since I walked out on my marriage and then subsequently became involved with Jim. Eleven years. And still, I am Mrs. Stone.
I've often been questioned why I've not filed for a divorce, especially recently. My rationale has not been fully accepted by those who have questioned me.
First of all, I tell them, I am divorced from the marriage emotionally and have been for a very long time. I do not need a legal decree to tell me the marriage is over. You can be married long before you ever say "I Do" and you can be divorced long before you ever even consult with a divorce lawyer.
But, then in a somewhat contradictory rationale, I explain that I do not want to divorce David simply because I believe it is my right to remain Mrs. Stone. I put my heart and soul into that marriage. It's mine. Four of my kids were brought into this world through that marriage. And at first, there was love. I loved David with my whole heart and I believe he loved me too. And yet, even from the very start of our relationship, our personalities - our hurt, wounded, traumatized Children Within - mixed and mingled to create the Perfect Storm: his warm front and my cold front. Two opposing forces doomed to catastrophe.
Together, we did so much damage: to each other and to our children. I'm trying so hard to forgive. Most of the time, I am able to say that I have forgiven David; but sometimes, when I think back to some of the shit he did, I still get really pissed off and realize I still hold a grudge. I have not forgiven him completely for "those things he did." I understand them intellectually - that he was just the sum of his parts and could do or be nothing different that who he was. I get that. But the effect it had on me and the kids - I guess I have not completely forgiven him.
I also explain that I cannot divorce David because I still love him and believe I always will. But then I quickly point out that my love for him is not romantic; instead, I think of him as family - like a sibling, perhaps. We spent so many years together and there is no one on this planet that I feel more comfortable with. He is the only other person around whom I can let my hair down, show my true colors, and simply be me.
And in spite of that, we've been apart for eleven years now.
And in spite of that or perhaps because of all that, I am now looking for a divorce lawyer and have told Jim that yes, I will marry him.
There were so many reasons why I did not want to marry Jim. Yes, I love him, but I did not want to marry him. First of all, he has always pushed me to marry him so that, when he dies, I will get his social security survivor benefits. Well, that is not a reason to marry. Or is it? It's practical, for sure. But I did not want to marry him on those terms or it could be forever held over my head that I married him just for the financial benefits. And besides, I did not earn his money; I earned David's money and want those survivor benefits. Yet, both David and Jim say that is not practical and that I would get more from Jim than David simply because Jim's earnings were greater. But, as I understand it, that is not quite how Social Security works these days. That's a gripe for another day.
I did not want to marry Jim because I always believed that he belongs first and foremost to Cheryl. Therefore, as a decision of respect for Cheryl, I believed that she should be the only Mrs. James Grutzius. But Jim says they discussed that long before she died and they both agreed that, should one of them die, the other should move forward, find happiness, and remarry if they should find love again. Although I did not know Cheryl, I have to trust that she would've said this. She knew Jim. She knew he would need to be married to survive.
I also have hesitated to marry Jim because of his drinking. Yes, alcoholic drinking. Daily drinking. He is a functional alcoholic. That will not change. My tolerance for it is virtually non-existent but I was duly warned from the start. Still, it is because I know the real Jim, the Jim who exists beneath the alcoholism, I know that he is a genuinely good, loving person who always means well and just wants to be loved - and because of knowing that part of him, I love him and I love him enough to marry him.
I guess one other reason I did not want to marry Jim is because I like my name! I like being Ruth Stone better than Ruth Grutzius. People don't know how to pronounce Grutzius and I prefer a simple, easy to read, spell, and pronounce kind of name. I like that my name is the same as four of my kids. And all my records are in the Stone name. I do not want any other name. I want to remain Ruth Stone. I might have to hyphenate...
So I told Jim "yes." I told him I would file for divorce and marry him. It's been eleven years. The marriage will change virtually nothing. My feelings - for David and for Jim - will remain what they are now. I will marry Jim because it is important to him; he will feel a greater sense of security. I get that. And he deserves that. And I love him enough to marry him. In that regard, saying "I do" changes nothing. Nothing at all.
I've often been questioned why I've not filed for a divorce, especially recently. My rationale has not been fully accepted by those who have questioned me.
First of all, I tell them, I am divorced from the marriage emotionally and have been for a very long time. I do not need a legal decree to tell me the marriage is over. You can be married long before you ever say "I Do" and you can be divorced long before you ever even consult with a divorce lawyer.
But, then in a somewhat contradictory rationale, I explain that I do not want to divorce David simply because I believe it is my right to remain Mrs. Stone. I put my heart and soul into that marriage. It's mine. Four of my kids were brought into this world through that marriage. And at first, there was love. I loved David with my whole heart and I believe he loved me too. And yet, even from the very start of our relationship, our personalities - our hurt, wounded, traumatized Children Within - mixed and mingled to create the Perfect Storm: his warm front and my cold front. Two opposing forces doomed to catastrophe.
Together, we did so much damage: to each other and to our children. I'm trying so hard to forgive. Most of the time, I am able to say that I have forgiven David; but sometimes, when I think back to some of the shit he did, I still get really pissed off and realize I still hold a grudge. I have not forgiven him completely for "those things he did." I understand them intellectually - that he was just the sum of his parts and could do or be nothing different that who he was. I get that. But the effect it had on me and the kids - I guess I have not completely forgiven him.
I also explain that I cannot divorce David because I still love him and believe I always will. But then I quickly point out that my love for him is not romantic; instead, I think of him as family - like a sibling, perhaps. We spent so many years together and there is no one on this planet that I feel more comfortable with. He is the only other person around whom I can let my hair down, show my true colors, and simply be me.
And in spite of that, we've been apart for eleven years now.
And in spite of that or perhaps because of all that, I am now looking for a divorce lawyer and have told Jim that yes, I will marry him.
There were so many reasons why I did not want to marry Jim. Yes, I love him, but I did not want to marry him. First of all, he has always pushed me to marry him so that, when he dies, I will get his social security survivor benefits. Well, that is not a reason to marry. Or is it? It's practical, for sure. But I did not want to marry him on those terms or it could be forever held over my head that I married him just for the financial benefits. And besides, I did not earn his money; I earned David's money and want those survivor benefits. Yet, both David and Jim say that is not practical and that I would get more from Jim than David simply because Jim's earnings were greater. But, as I understand it, that is not quite how Social Security works these days. That's a gripe for another day.
I did not want to marry Jim because I always believed that he belongs first and foremost to Cheryl. Therefore, as a decision of respect for Cheryl, I believed that she should be the only Mrs. James Grutzius. But Jim says they discussed that long before she died and they both agreed that, should one of them die, the other should move forward, find happiness, and remarry if they should find love again. Although I did not know Cheryl, I have to trust that she would've said this. She knew Jim. She knew he would need to be married to survive.
I also have hesitated to marry Jim because of his drinking. Yes, alcoholic drinking. Daily drinking. He is a functional alcoholic. That will not change. My tolerance for it is virtually non-existent but I was duly warned from the start. Still, it is because I know the real Jim, the Jim who exists beneath the alcoholism, I know that he is a genuinely good, loving person who always means well and just wants to be loved - and because of knowing that part of him, I love him and I love him enough to marry him.
I guess one other reason I did not want to marry Jim is because I like my name! I like being Ruth Stone better than Ruth Grutzius. People don't know how to pronounce Grutzius and I prefer a simple, easy to read, spell, and pronounce kind of name. I like that my name is the same as four of my kids. And all my records are in the Stone name. I do not want any other name. I want to remain Ruth Stone. I might have to hyphenate...
So I told Jim "yes." I told him I would file for divorce and marry him. It's been eleven years. The marriage will change virtually nothing. My feelings - for David and for Jim - will remain what they are now. I will marry Jim because it is important to him; he will feel a greater sense of security. I get that. And he deserves that. And I love him enough to marry him. In that regard, saying "I do" changes nothing. Nothing at all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)